🔗 Share this article

For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.